How To Star In Your Own Movie

For many, starring in their own movie is the ultimate dream – can the necessary skills really be put into words? The first thing to realise is that you’ve either ‘got it’ or you haven’t. However, if you haven’t ‘got it’ you can ‘buy it’.

For movie stardom a big face, like mine, is imperative. Jake Gyllenhaal, star of Donnie Darko and The Day After Tomorrow, is very handsome on screen, but in real life his freakish head can make a child cry from over thirty feet away. When I saw Gwyneth Paltrow in a petrol station I was surprised to note her visage, so delicate and elfin on film, is actually over a foot across. Yes, Gwynnie in a garage – I truly am a friend to the stars.

The next thing to concern yourself with is the material – make sure the movie suits your skills and makes you look good. For example, every screenwriter in Hollywood has had a script back from Mike Myers with ‘how about a Scottish accent somewhere? I can do a really good one – och aye!’ scrawled across the front. Writing Rob Deering The Movie myself, I was able to include plenty of stuff that makes me look cool – fights I win, girls who fancy me, impressive stunts. People love to see a slightly lardy man move with cat-like grace.

Doing all my own stunts is quite a luxury. Normally in Hollywood an actor will train for nine months with a kung fu guru only to get to the set and have someone else do it, because for insurance purposes they’re not allowed to walk, cough or go near machinery. The closest they get to doing their own stunts is saying ‘I did all my own stunts’ in interviews.

Once your movie is ‘in the can’ – it’s a technical term – there are still more ways you can make yourself look cool. Apply cool music – suddenly walking along becomes sexy. Put it in slow-motion and it’s even better – your clothes look more expensive, your hair bounces like a nubile gymnast.

So that’s how you star in your own movie. Now all you need is fifty million quid and you can get going. Good luck!